Posts Tagged ‘God’

Thanks. Given.

It has been longer than I can remember since I was on this site and wrote about anything.  The summer and fall (and now winter??!) seem to have evaporated like a mist in the morning sun.  It has been a time of great stress, struggle, and opportunity to see God at work.  And I had to take the time (make the time) to write this.

The seasons of this year seem to have collapsed into one thread.  Mom falling and breaking her femur.  Hospital. Support, encouragement, tracking care. Her cat, mail. Insurance. 24hrs to find a rehab center. Rehab. Support, encouragement, tracking care. Insurance. The tree that fell on her house, through the roof.  Shock. Stabilize. Insurance. Discharge from rehab. Find assisted living. Move. Support, encourage. Home insurance. Contractors. Furniture. Clothes. Support, encourage. Shopping, supplies. Ad infinitum.

Through it all, although sometimes not immediately at the time, I’ve seen the hand of God in the timing, the sequence, the types of events. And I’m grateful, thankful, for what He has shown me.

That mom was holding the phone when she fell, and could dial 9-1-1. That there was surprisingly little pain for her, allowing her to remain calm, and comfortable-ish.  That she could call a neighbor to let the paramedics in without breaking a window or the door (one less problem with which I’d have had to deal). That the closest hospital was on by-pass, sending her to a better one.  That my work slacked off at just the right time for the time that I couldn’t be there. That there was a transportation goof on a Tuesday that meant she wasn’t able to be discharged from rehab on Monday…which would have been the Monday after the tree came down. That she wasn’t in the bedroom when the massive tree came down. That I had a full two weeks to find a place for her to go upon discharge.  That there was a quiet, sunny room in an assisted living facility close to me, that allowed a cat,  a quiet.  That I’ve had to deal with home repairs and insurance rather than medical crisis and pharmacological challenges.  That the issues that I’ve had to deal with fall within my “skill set” and didn’t involve dealing with dementia, or physical care of mom by me. That the renovation would, ultimately, improve the resale of the house.

In particular, I remember waking one night and tossing and turning, thinking about all that needed to be done, what I had to handle.  And in that time, in one of the rarest of my moments with God, He planted in my head a verse “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Phil 4:13). My anxiety dissipated, and I went back to sleep, assured that He who had helped guide me and give me strength would continue to do so.

There is a lot to be thankful for this holiday. And there will continue to be thanks given for all this.

Happy Thanksgiving 🙂

 

 

The Letters…and me

There is probably no more universally respected person on the planet in the last several decades than Mother Teresa. For all the accolades, for all the good that she has done, she was largely unknown as a person, instead being mostly known for what she did (which was amazing).  One of the surprising things about her was the discovery of a dark and melancholy side of her that didn’t get exposed until her father confessor released the letters she’d written him, letters that for the most part referenced this internal darkness that she felt.

This darkness and struggle is nominally the story of the new movie “The Letters” that I saw over the holidays (I suspect it’ll have a short theater run, given the topic).  I say nominally because I went to the movie with the hope of finding out more about her struggle and her thoughts on that god-absent void space she felt. While the move was fairly good, and did a very nice job of showing India and the partition issues that have bedeviled it since, it was very limited in its discussion of her darkness.   It was the vehicle for the telling of the story, but yet without telling anything about that.

She had this sense of distance, of disconnect from God.  She apparently didn’t doubt His being, or his love, but she didn’t feel it in her life, in most of her life.  It was a life marked by distance and non-connection to Him.

I can relate to that.  I’ve struggled with my own distance from God, from feeling His love and presence.  It is a disconcerting thing for sure.  But I have learned that the struggle must, if I look at it objectively, be a testimony to my faith.  For without faith I would have walked away and stopped the struggle, given up and said “There is no god”.

And yet….and yet.

From as early as I can remember, I’ve looked at the stars in the heavens and known that there is God.  I watch the intricacy of my hands and how they move, and know there is a God.  I’ve listened to the songs of the birds in the early morning before the sun arises, or the song of one bird in the middle of the night, and know that there is a God.  The problem is that I know it; it resides in my head and mind, but can not traverse the gap to my heart and my feelings.  I could count on one hand the times I’ve felt his presence.  I could count on the other hand with spare digits the times I’ve felt loved by anyone.

Oh well.  Maybe this year.

For either of those feelings to come again.