Anti VD

I hate today.

Valentine’s Day.

It is a big, red, trigger-inducing, life-sucking day, unrelieved even by the copious amounts of chocolate around.

It reminds me of my childhood, of the valentines never received, the ones sent that were never responded to, the sense that all the others were liked and friends and I was not.

It reminds me of my marriage, of the never-ending failures on my part to do it right, to make it something that I would be complimented and loved for instead of being constantly off the mark.  Of the stress of trying to do it right, but always doing it wrong even when I thought I was listening.  Of the wrong kinds of flowers, the wrong events.

It reminds me of life post-divorce, of the lack of anyone who cares about me, who loves me, who would want to be with me.  Of Charlie Brown who complained that no one ever liked him at Christmas, but knowing that it is Valentine’s Day that displays the deep truth of being unwanted.

It reminds me more than Christmas of how uncoupled my life is, how unconnected to anyone it is.  How the only value in this otherwise stress filled holiday is the chocolate on half price sale….and knowing that the sale chocolates will no way make up for the empty shell that I stuff them into.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

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